This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
