I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
