i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
