my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
