i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
