took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
