Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
