going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i out mim tonsoeep
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