Will you blow on my dice?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
