Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
