checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
