Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I still have a little drunk in my system
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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