im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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