First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
