well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize