If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
