I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
