grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
