I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
