Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
