You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
