Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
