Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Randomize
