I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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