I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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