i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
