Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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