I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize