Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
