And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
