Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
well you can't waste a boner
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
