4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize