you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
