his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
