So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
