cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
