He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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