she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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