My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
