eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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