Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
