Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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