I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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