My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
