is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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