Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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