my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ladies don't puke and tell
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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