Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
