just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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