someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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