last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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