Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Randomize
