wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
