I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
